天使与花花公子第二部 Angel vs player part 2

Bb还记得我们曾有过天使与花花公子的谈话吗？bb说bb正在等一个让你回头的天使。bb说你曾经相信爱情，但它给你的伤害实在太深了。bb深信真正的天使是不会感到疲累，也不会离开那个她应该照顾与爱护的他。她甚至会牺牲自己去保护和让他回头。她会在全世界都抛弃你的时候关心你。我记得我当时是如何敬佩bb的这个信念。

当bb说天使是不会离开那个她应该照顾的人。我觉得bb更像是我的天使。好几次，bb都想结束我俩的关系。 可是，每次，bb都会支持我。当我低落的时候，当我需要一个人的时候。三个月，我尝尽方法忘记，但我失败了。三个月，bb尝试将我推开，但那一句＂bb, 你可好？＂却将你带回我身边。

在那天使与花花公子的谈话中，bb有好几次机会告诉我，你已另有他人， 但你没有这么做。那就是我问你那问题的原因。我还记得我同性恋的朋友问我，会不会珍惜这美好爱情回忆时， 我回他说，如果我晓得这段爱将带给我比我们在一起的日子更长的话，那我情愿我俩没相识过。没有bb的那段日子，我问老天爷，如果注定要从我手中拿走爱，那为何要给我爱这份礼呢？我当时真希望世上有帮人删除记忆的服务。

bb说起初bb是想与我上床，但在见到我之后，bb下不了手。bb可能不信，那天晚上，我可以感到bb要保护我的意念。bb想跟我保持一段距离，想把对我的伤害减到最低。可bb又不想离我太远。

bb懂吗，我很嫉妒她。非常嫉妒。bb每晚会回到她身边。她为bb生了两个孩子。她每天晚上可以睡在bb的身边，听着bb那沉稳的呼吸声，感觉到bb的体温。而我，只有bb的简讯还有与bb的初吻的回忆。

bb, bb still remember the angel player conversation that we had?? Bb said that you are waiting for that one angel who will turn you around and start a new leaf. Bb also said that you used to believe in love once, & it hurt, it hurt bad... Bb has this conviction of a real angel will never get tired or leave the one she was assign to take care of & will love him with all she had. She will sacrifice herself to protect or to turn over the beast into a new leaf and prove that. There is still someone who care to care about you even though the world has turn their back on you. & I remembered how I admire bb's conviction on this angel that was going to be sent to you.

When bb said the angel will not leave the one that she was assign to take care of.  I felt that bb fit the role of my angel instead of the other day round. Bb wanted to leave, wanted to end our relationship couple of times. Yet, time & again, bb was always there for me. To bring me up when I feel down, to be there for me when I need someone. For 3 months, I tried to stay away then failed at my attempts. For 3 months, bb tried pushing me away then suddenly showered me with his care by asking me "Are you okay, bb?"

There were multiple times bb has the opportunity to tell me that bb already with someone, but bb didn't. That's the reason I asked bb the question which I asked. I remembered my gay friend once asked me, whether I will tell myself that I will forever treasure this memories of amazing love with bb, & i told him that if I knew this is going to bring me period of pain longer than the time we were together, then I rather we have not met before. During those times when I was suffering from the lost of bb, I asked God, why gave me the gift of love then to take it away from me. I wished that there are services in this world that could help me erase those memories of me & bb.

Bb said bb's initial intention was to bed me initially. When we met, something happened inside bb, the intention changed & bb just can't bear to hurt me. Maybe bb won't believe it, on the night that we first met, I can feel bb protective over me. Bb was trying to keep a distance from me, so as to reduce the damage as much as possible. Yet at the same time bb feel the attraction, & wanted to be as close to me as possible.

Bb, does bb know that I am jealous of her?? Extremely jealous of her.. Cos she has bb to go back to her every night. She has 2 children of bb. She can sleep beside bb every night, hear bb's deep & steady breathing & feel bb's body warmth next to her. The only thing I have of bb was bb's text & the memories of our first kiss... 

Angel vs Player

29/12/12 8:22:17 AM: Kelvin Ling: Gd morning dear.... So sorry that I've missed out your text last nite cos I was on bed early..... Sleepless night huh..?? That sound bad though... If only I get your text last nite maybe I will go over n sayang you till u fall asleep 😝😝😝

29/12/12 8:25:30 AM: Eilynn Er: Morning...

29/12/12 8:25:59 AM: Eilynn Er: I was widely awake till 3+ 4 am... 😰

29/12/12 8:28:10 AM: Eilynn Er: & last night was the second consecutive night that it happened😱😱😱

29/12/12 8:29:32 AM: Eilynn Er: Felt so tired at 10pm, went to bed... Was briefly asleep, think for an hour, then without me realizing.. Eyes wide opened till 3+ 4 am.... Sigh... 😰😰

29/12/12 8:34:28 AM: Kelvin Ling: That is bcos I'm not beside you.... Okok.. I sacrifice myself tonight to go over n sleep with you... Make sure that you sleep soundly   Comfortably😝😝😝.....

29/12/12 8:35:50 AM: Kelvin Ling: Better consult a doc dear before thing getting worst n out of control..... Long term sleepless night can lead to a major consequences dear.

29/12/12 8:38:08 AM: Eilynn Er: Wah Lau.... Hvnt seen you... The first time meet you gotta let you sleep with me... Then 很委屈你哦... Sacrifice yourself 😵

29/12/12 8:39:16 AM: Eilynn Er: I know the effect of sleep deprived.. I had not had these happening to me for a very long time... & I don't like not able to sleep... 😰

29/12/12 8:39:20 AM: Kelvin Ling: Lolzz... So sorry dear,, I don't understand Chinese character leh😝😝.... Paiseh

29/12/12 8:39:46 AM: Eilynn Er: You from SMK??

29/12/12 8:40:52 AM: Kelvin Ling: Okok.... I drop by over tonite....!! Just in case you're having another sleepless at least you have  someone go chat to😂😂😂

29/12/12 8:41:02 AM: Kelvin Ling: Yup... I'm from SMK

29/12/12 8:44:22 AM: Eilynn Er: I should be the one felt sacrifice, that I am letting you coming over to sleep with me than the other way round😓

29/12/12 8:46:28 AM: Eilynn Er: Even though I will appreciate the thought of you wanted to be around so that I can have someone to talk to... I am just not those kind of gal who sleep around...

29/12/12 8:47:34 AM: Kelvin Ling: Me too!!!!!😝😝

29/12/12 8:48:50 AM: Kelvin Ling: Lolzz..... To be honest dear... I'm not that decent as you thought.... I'm a bad guy actually..

29/12/12 8:49:14 AM: Eilynn Er: You are a player

29/12/12 8:49:32 AM: Kelvin Ling: Honestly.... Used to be!

29/12/12 8:49:49 AM: Kelvin Ling: I don't want to keep mum from you!

29/12/12 8:49:56 AM: Eilynn Er: Only player will be able to execute those things you do smoothly

29/12/12 8:50:12 AM: Eilynn Er: Why used to be??

29/12/12 8:50:31 AM: Kelvin Ling: Long story dear.......😔

29/12/12 8:50:58 AM: Kelvin Ling: One thing for sure.... I'm not a good guy

29/12/12 8:52:30 AM: Eilynn Er: Huh?? Used to be player still got long story???? It's either you got dumped by your super loved gf, or you got yourself incurable disease, like AIDS

29/12/12 8:52:35 AM: Eilynn Er: 😱😱😱😱

29/12/12 8:54:27 AM: Kelvin Ling: I had bad experience in love..... Before.

29/12/12 8:54:48 AM: Kelvin Ling: It took me one solid year to get over it!

29/12/12 8:55:41 AM: Kelvin Ling: Since then I become wild...!!! The wilderness in me is out of your imagination...😞

29/12/12 8:56:02 AM: Eilynn Er: I pitied those gals

29/12/12 8:57:55 AM: Kelvin Ling: U can tell from the way I chat with you dear..... Always mouth flower flower!!!

29/12/12 8:58:06 AM: Eilynn Er: You will be surprised I might be able to imagine how wild you can go... Like date multiple gals at one go... Or has a gf, yet still out there meeting new gals

29/12/12 8:58:27 AM: Eilynn Er: I know... I was playing along if you noticed

29/12/12 8:59:04 AM: Eilynn Er: That's why I said I don't want you to be fooled by the sense of the bonding...

29/12/12 8:59:23 AM: Kelvin Ling: Maybe it was bcos you're a m'sian too......so I hold back

29/12/12 9:00:29 AM: Eilynn Er: Shit... If I am a Singaporean... I will be gone??

29/12/12 9:01:10 AM: Kelvin Ling: Not really... But I will try my luck n play hard to get you!

29/12/12 9:01:53 AM: Eilynn Er: Which mean I might also ended up like one of those gals

29/12/12 9:04:00 AM: Eilynn Er: Well, my ex was a player... We weren't together very long, I was looking for different things in a relationship.. So I broke up with him

29/12/12 9:27:54 AM: Kelvin Ling: U definitely deserve a better one dear!!! U do!

29/12/12 9:50:40 AM: Eilynn Er: Thanks. Lets let the past remain in the past

29/12/12 9:53:45 AM: Eilynn Er: You used the term used to be player... So what makes you decide to stop being a player??

29/12/12 10:35:14 AM: Kelvin Ling: To be more precise... I never stop all this while dear... Just being tired of it. Don't know when will it getting started again.

29/12/12 11:08:31 AM: Eilynn Er: Thanks for being so honest with me. So I have a choice now. Either I bite the bullet & risk one day u just decide to go back being a player or stop it before we even got it started.

29/12/12 11:15:45 AM: Eilynn Er: I will share with you what I am looking for right now. I looking for someone that I can settle down, build our lives together, so that I can focus on my career

29/12/12 11:20:44 AM: Kelvin Ling: Dear.... Do u think a player like me worth u to have a bullet in your mouth?? Honestly I'll just lead my life as it use to be,till the day 'he' send in an angel into my life... An angel which will turn me around n start a new leaf.. A new chapter of my life!

29/12/12 11:21:02 AM: Kelvin Ling: If only I'm fated to have one😝

29/12/12 11:22:44 AM: Eilynn Er: What I can say is that if you just continue as it is, when if 'he' send you an angel, you will either missed it. Or the angel won't stay

29/12/12 11:23:02 AM: Eilynn Er: It's all a matter of choice

29/12/12 11:25:02 AM: Eilynn Er: I don't believe that I can force someone to change. Even while I was with my ex, he told me of those gals he met & still meeting... I did my best to tell him of things I know if he were to do it differently, then how different his life will be...

29/12/12 11:25:59 AM: Eilynn Er: If he choose to continue his way, then I need to make a choice to stay & suffer the frustration & anger & demoralization, or to move on & find someone new

29/12/12 11:26:47 AM: Eilynn Er: For a change to be permanent, it gotta come from within... You gotta make a choice... & you need to believe in something to make the decision

29/12/12 11:29:08 AM: Eilynn Er: & I believe in karma

29/12/12 11:30:17 AM: Eilynn Er: So even if 'he' finally send u an angel.. The angel might broke your heart & you will revert to bring a player again

29/12/12 11:30:19 AM: Kelvin Ling: I'm used to believe in love once..... And it hurt..! It really hurt.... And now... Love???? Mmmmm😏😏

29/12/12 11:31:05 AM: Eilynn Er: The first time I broke up with my ex... It hurt so much that I told my friend that I was afraid I might not have the courage to experience love again

29/12/12 11:31:50 AM: Eilynn Er: It's also because of the hurt, I grow, I became stronger

29/12/12 11:32:21 AM: Kelvin Ling: Angel won't hurt ppl dear.... No matter how... It just won't hurt anyone or anything cos its angel...!😝

29/12/12 11:32:50 AM: Kelvin Ling: I'm getting stronger too!!! I never been hurt since then✌✌✌

29/12/12 11:33:13 AM: Eilynn Er: I used to be a smoker... Quit once because I don't like waking up tasting cigarette in my mouth... Then went back smoking again... Now I can say I am clean... Hvnt touch a stick & not even a craving

29/12/12 11:33:47 AM: Eilynn Er: Angel won't hurt, but angel might decide not even to start or stay

29/12/12 11:34:29 AM: Kelvin Ling: That was a remarkable turnover dear....!!! Congrats that u was able to kick off the bad habit!👏👏👏

29/12/12 11:34:49 AM: Eilynn Er: You have never been hurt since then cos you were hurting other gals

29/12/12 11:35:18 AM: Eilynn Er: It's a matter of choice... I just decide & just kick the habit

29/12/12 11:35:37 AM: Kelvin Ling: I can't deny that dear.... Have to own up!! Yes I do.

29/12/12 11:37:46 AM: Eilynn Er: The question now will be how will you decide that 'he' sent u an angel

29/12/12 11:38:10 AM: Eilynn Er: How would you know that an angel hasn't appear in your life

29/12/12 11:39:41 AM: Eilynn Er: 'He' could have sent you one... Just because you are still a player, you might have missed it.. Thinking its any other gal without realizing you were hurting an angel

29/12/12 11:40:19 AM: Eilynn Er: Cos no matter what, one day the angel may just get tired, & leave

29/12/12 12:56:45 PM: Kelvin Ling: A real angel will never get tired or leave the one she was assign to take care of n love him will all she had. Worst come worst.. She will sacrificed herself to protect or to turn over the beast into a new leaf n prove that ... There is or there's still someone care to care about u even the world had turn a back on you....!!! Now this is what we called it an Angel....!!😝

29/12/12 2:27:02 PM: Eilynn Er: Wah... I seriously admire the conviction you had for this 'angel'. & I will admire the strength of this 'angel'. Cos I gotta say its really not going to be easy.

29/12/12 2:28:00 PM: Eilynn Er: If you are tired of being the 'player', then I believe the angel will be there to support you, to be there for you, to help you overcome it

29/12/12 2:32:12 PM: Eilynn Er: All I ask for, put yourself in the 'angel' shoe. You see good in the other person, you believe that once he/she got the priority right, things will be different. So you stuck yourself with this person, be there for them, support them through. Yet, time and again the person take you for granted, cheated on you, hurt you, treat you like second class citizen... How long will you stick to the relationship? Will you stuck yourself with the toxic relationship & keep getting hurt? Or will you move on & spend the time looking for another one that worth working your life with together

29/12/12 2:35:59 PM: Eilynn Er: I was there. I wanted to be the 'angel' for my ex. He will always come back to me when he is at the lowest... Yet, time & again I was hurt. I gotta think of my future. I can't go on & one day we settled down, we had a family & suddenly a woman barged in & said she is pregnant with his child, & she wants a part of his life

29/12/12 2:39:58 PM: Eilynn Er: It's amazing for the kind of conversation we are having over here. & we have not even met...

29/12/12 2:42:18 PM: Kelvin Ling: That's bcos we both have mutual trust n like to share  the up n down in life....😁

29/12/12 3:07:11 PM: Eilynn Er: If you are tired of being the 'player', all I am asking for is to give love a chance, give yourself a chance. The ex gf who broke your heart real bad, it's her loss that she let you go. She might be at a worst place after she left you. Instead of waiting for 'him' to send you an angel, why not make the gal you wanna spend your life with the angel sent by him. Cos you never know who are the angels in your life.

29/12/12 3:18:51 PM: Kelvin Ling: It takes time for a beast like me to get back in life....

29/12/12 3:19:57 PM: Eilynn Er: It's not going to be easy. There would be temptation. Always. It all boils down to a matter of choice

29/12/12 3:21:20 PM: Kelvin Ling: I doubt myself .... Honestly😝😝😝

29/12/12 3:21:45 PM: Eilynn Er: & a beast is not a term for you. Cos once you have the awareness, you are no longer a beast

29/12/12 3:22:55 PM: Eilynn Er: Nobody is perfect in this world. Everyone of us was born believing that love of the ultimate goal in life

29/12/12 3:23:57 PM: Eilynn Er: If you don't believe in yourself, if you don't love yourself. Even if 'he' put an angel in front of you now, the angel won't be able to help much

29/12/12 3:24:51 PM: Kelvin Ling: You got a point there babe!!

29/12/12 3:26:30 PM: Eilynn Er: I was taught that no one will be able to help you if you don't help yourself first. Once you decided that you want to help yourself, then others will be able to speed up the process

29/12/12 3:29:57 PM: Kelvin Ling: I used to talk the girl round  but when I'm with you, it seen like the other way round!!??😱😱😱

29/12/12 3:31:27 PM: Eilynn Er: Lol...

29/12/12 3:33:16 PM: Eilynn Er: <media omitted>

29/12/12 3:33:32 PM: Eilynn Er: <media omitted>

29/12/12 3:33:48 PM: Eilynn Er: Nothing happen by chance. Everything happened for a reason

29/12/12 3:34:37 PM: Kelvin Ling: 👏👏👏👏👍👍👍👍 awesome!!!

29/12/12 3:36:55 PM: Eilynn Er: You won't know what plan 'he' has for you. All those things that 'he' put you through, maybe is so that you will learn to appreciate your angel when you made her your angel... Cos you have played enough

29/12/12 3:45:02 PM: Kelvin Ling: U make it sound so comfortable for me..... You're amazing babe!

29/12/12 3:45:31 PM: Eilynn Er: Thanks... 😊

29/12/12 3:48:05 PM: Eilynn Er: Actually you don't need to put up with me with all my so called 'theories' & have such boring conversation the whole morning & half of afternoon

29/12/12 4:07:34 PM: Eilynn Er: Nobody can changed you. Only you yourself can make the change. Why do I say so. Cos ask yourself, when that ex of hours broke your heart, did she ask you to become a player after she broke up with you? I don't think she did. I believe you are the one who choose to go this path. When you said you are tired, I believe that you do want to get out of the old lifestyle. The angel won't be able to change you if you are not willing to change, but the angel can be there to give you all the support you need if you decided to give yourself & the angel a chance

29/12/12 4:50:49 PM: Kelvin Ling: Babe.... U do sound like an angel.......😍

29/12/12 4:52:24 PM: Eilynn Er: Actually, I seriously have no clue where we are heading. Especially after this conversation.

29/12/12 4:55:04 PM: Kelvin Ling: Lolzzz....

29/12/12 4:56:47 PM: Eilynn Er: It's true...

29/12/12 4:57:43 PM: Kelvin Ling: So where u want us to head??? 😜

29/12/12 4:58:06 PM: Eilynn Er: So you are throwing the ball back to my court

29/12/12 4:58:58 PM: Kelvin Ling: Cos the ball is yours....!!😝

29/12/12 4:59:32 PM: Kelvin Ling: I can't own it without you permisi.....😝😝😝

29/12/12 5:00:54 PM: Eilynn Er: Unknown number you don't pick up ah??

29/12/12 5:01:11 PM: Eilynn Er: I am calling you from office

29/12/12 5:05:13 PM: Eilynn Er: Lets meet... Tomorrow fine with u??

29/12/12 5:08:50 PM: Kelvin Ling: Lolzzz.... Yalor, I won't entertain unknown number. So sorry dear,,, I didn't know it was you. Tomoro?? I try to make myself available k😘😘.

29/12/12 5:19:46 PM: Eilynn Er: You said till like you need to go entertain other gals...

29/12/12 5:51:48 PM: Eilynn Er: Why don't I put it this way. I tell you what I am looking for in a relationship right now. I am looking for someone I can settle down with, build our lives together. You decide whether you want to give us a chance to see whether things can work out between us. Then you let me know whether you still want to meet me

29/12/12 6:05:00 PM: Kelvin Ling: Pleasure to meet you dear.... My honor to get thing started with you....

第一次见面 First Time We Met

二零一三年一月三十号，还记得本来相约在市区，我们第一次的相见。前一天，我俩都对双方调情得见面就会去酒店的情况。bb本想在酒店外见面，可我觉得这样我会像个妓女。结果，bb答应了，在市区见面。当天，bb突然搞失踪，没简讯，简讯也没回。到最后，bb说无法在市区见面，得在JP会面，只能吃个晚饭。就这样，也没等个确定的回应，下班后我就前往JP，还一路知会bb我的行程。

抵达后，上个厕所，顺便通知bb我已抵达。之后bb也说bb到了。当bb了解我在哪儿是，bb叫我在原处等，bb会走过来找我。我在等候bb的当时，正在面书捉弄我的朋友。没想到，抬起头的那刹那，与bb四目交触，世界仿佛只有我俩。bb当时在通电话，向我靠来。等我一抬头，才惊觉原来bb靠得那么近，刹那间我的心扑通扑通地跳，因为靠得bb的嘴唇太近，太诱惑了。

bb通完电话后，我俩就决定去哪儿用餐。就在我俩走的同时，bb将手放在我的小背上。当时我真的不习惯，就把bb的手移下，让bb握住，可bb很快就把我的手给放开了。一路上，其实我也没真正在想吃什么，只想享受与bb的时光。直到走到接近尾端，bb一言惊醒我，就随便找的饭店，坐了下来。

晚饭时与之后的咖啡，我俩都在谈各自的家人，兄弟姐妹。我当时很纳闷，因为一方面bb一直暗示我应停止与bb交流下去，另一方面bb说要不是我新年期间会在澳洲度过，bb会驾车去太平找我。bb也说如果我不介意的话，我从澳洲回来后，bb希望能和我再见面。这两点是bb想与我更近一步的表现，不是吗？

谈着谈着，夜了，上完厕所后，bb牵着我的手一起走向地铁站。当中，bb还时不时伸展你的手掌，我至今还在想那是为了什么。到达地铁站时，原本只想给bb一个轻吻，怎知竟与bb舌吻。当时的我，即兴奋，又害羞，享受着与bb接吻的时刻。感觉着bb舌头在我嘴巴里，bb的手在我腰部。那是我这一生中最难忘的时刻。

30th Jan 2013, was the day that we met for the first time. The day before, we were so aroused by each other that once we meet, it will end in the hotel room. At first, bb wanted to meet outside hotel, I said no, cos I feel like a prostitute doing so. Then bb agreed to meet in town first before we proceed further. On that day itself, bb disappear on me. No text, no reply. In the end, bb informed said can't meet in town, can only meet for short dinner at JP. Just like that, without waiting for confirmation from bb, I made my way down to JP after work, updating bb my location from time to time.

When I reached JP, went washroom, & informed bb that I have reached. Bb later replied said you have reached too. When bb knew where I was, bb asked me to wait at that spot, & you would come get me. While waiting, I was disturbing my friend on Facebook. When I looked up, I was looking directly at bb, & the world surrounding us seem to vanish, leaving the two of us inside. Bb were on the phone, & moved closer to me. The next moment when I looked up, I was shy, my heart was beating furiously, cos bb was standing too close to me, with your lips so tantalizingly close.

After your phone call, bb asked me where do I want to eat, which I wasn't really sure. & so we started walking. Bb placed your hand at the small of my back, which I wasn't used to such sensation, so I moved bb's hand to allow you to hold my hand instead, which wasn't for long as bb later on let it go. I wasn't thinking of where I wanted to have my dinner, I was just enjoying the time with bb. It wasn't until we are almost at the end of mall, when bb pointed out to me, then I simply picked a place & we went in for our dinner.

During our dinner & the coffee session after, we spoke about our family, our sibling. I was puzzled at that point of time too, cos on one hand bb was hinting that I should end my contact with bb, then on the other hand bb said that if it weren't that I will be spending my Chinese New Year in Australia, bb will drive down to Taiping to look for me. In addition, bb also said that bb would like to see me again after my Australua trip. Doesn't that mean bb want to progress further with me?

We chatted until its time for us to go home. After a trip to the wash room, bb was holding my hand while we were walking towards the mrt. On our way there, bb were flexing your fingers & I am still pondering about it till now. When we reached mrt, initially I wanted to give bb a peck on your lips, & it ended with a French kiss. At that point of time, I was shy, & excited, enjoying myself French kissing with bb. Feeling bb tongue in my mouth, bb hand on my waist. It's one of the most memorable time of my life. 

关怀Care

Bb可知道，有时候， bb的一个关怀，可以令我感动到流泪。前天晚上，疑是食物中毒， 上吐下泻，整身虚弱。昨天见了医生后发了bb一则简讯，就收到了bb一连串的问题，然后bb提醒我要喝多点水，那时候bb真像我爸。 今天, bb飞香港公干，往机场途中不忘发我一则简讯， 要我好好照顾自己， 直到你回来。早上醒来后，惊觉bb乃在星加坡， bb无奈说因同事而耽误了行程。

Bb说， bb感觉到我的疲累。bb可知道这一句话的影响力有多大？一看到这句话，眼泪就夺眶而出。因为这是bb对我关怀的表现。 bb可知道，我这阵子都让自己很繁忙，就为了不让自己有多余的时间，去思念bb，压郁自己，不去联络bb。bb说，bb内疚。bb不需内疚，我因我还爱着bb，又无法与bb在一起，我得找东西来移转我的注意力。

Bb知道吗，当bb说bb不懂为何老天爷, 让我一个这么好的女孩经历如此的考验时，bb又何尝不是和我一样, 经历着这个考验。好想可以在机场陪bb聊天，聊到bb登机为止。bb说bb已进入关卡。我就捉弄bb从出境出来，待会再由入境口入境，bb说应该不行吧，bb再说真的不懂可以从出境处出来。我就告诉bb说，其实听到bb有再三的考虑这个可能性，我就很欣慰，因为bb想见我的程度，就如我想见bb一样。

临飞前，收到了bb给我的自照，很惊讶，也很开心。不敢一样回复bb, 因为没上妆，加上现在人有点虚弱。我每一次都想将我最好的一面献给bb。bb，真希望情景可以不一样，真想好好跟你谈一场永不分手的恋爱。

Does bb know, sometimes, just a word of care from bb, is sufficient to bring tears to my eyes. Night before last, I was puking & diarrhea from suspected food poisoning, & was feeling so weak from it. After consult a doctor yesterday, sent bb a text, bb replied with so many questions & reminded me to drink more water. At that point of time, bb sounded just like my dad. This morning, bb sent me a text on your way to airport, asking me to take care of myself & be safe till you are back. Hours later, woke up & realized bb still in Sg, then bb told me bb missed the flight because of your colleagues.

Bb said, bb can feel the tiredness in me. Do you know the effect of this line of words have on me? Once I saw this text, tears started to flow, cos this is bb's way if showing bb cares for me. Does bb know, I kept myself busy these while, so that I do not have any time, to miss bb, & to hold myself back, from texting bb. Bb said, bb felt guilty. Bb don't need to be guilty, I still love bb, & I am not able to be with bb, so I need to create distraction in my life.

Does bb realized, when bb said, bb don't know why, why does God let a lovely girl like to to suffer all these by myself, that bb also going through the same test as me? I really wished that I could be beside bb at the airport, accompany bb & talk to bb until b board your flight. Bb said that you have checked in. So I disturbed bb said why not exit through the arrival hall then enter the departure hall. Bb said don't think can ba, then bb said really don't know whether can exit the arrival hall. Bb, just by you considering this possibility, it's good enough for me, cos it shows that, bb wants to see me as much as I want to see bb.

Preflight, bb sent me a picture of yourself, it made my day. I didn't dare to reciprocate, first, cos I didn't have make up on me. Second, I am still recovering from my food poisoning. I wanted to give bb the best. Bb, I really wish that things can be different with bb, to go into a "never-to-break-up" relationship with bb. 

思念 Missing you

不知为何，总在周末以后特别想你。昨天，一有空隙，bb 的脸孔就会浮现在我脑海。想念你以前早上传简讯给我，祝我早安。想念每天以期待的心情去睡觉，等候bb的早安。想念bb以前偶尔的早上的惊喜。我知道，我如果要求的话，bb一定答应， 然后每天会祝我早安。可我也知道，再这样下去，我俩会陷得更深。

回想起星期六向bb提出的疑问， 问bb为何会爱上我，这种情况不是应该能免则免的吗？感觉到这问题为bb所带来的困惑， 心觉内疚，也心疼bb。我只是想了解，到底我为了bb做了什么，让bb是爱上了我。bb可说不出，只说爱是悄悄的由心升起，当bb察觉的时候，bb已经爱上了我。

昨夜，因豪雨而惊醒。临回睡前的念头是，人生苦短，好想可以放下一切，放弃一切，什么都不理，去追求与bb的爱情。不管世人会是以如何的眼光看我，只懂得，有bb在身边，我什么都可以熬得过来。可我要的身边，是一个bb可以待在我身边的家，一个我俩互相扶持的未来。

今晚，参加了朋友的婚宴。他们播放了合照，心里一阵抽痛。从来未有这样的感觉。因为脑海里浮出的是我与bb的合照。表面是祝福对新人，心里是为我们那失去的未来而哭泣。朋友在婚宴上说了一席话。他说：＂本来以为可以让他老婆嫁给他，算是成功了。现在觉得，唯有在可以给予老婆一个幸福家庭，才算真正的成功。＂整个婚宴上，看到那对新人，就仿佛看见我俩，面带着幸福的笑容，一起踏着那红地毯，步入我俩人生的另一阶段。

我已经很努力，叫自己把bb放下。原以为已经可以放开了。可是往往有时候，不经意，有关于与bb的一切，总在我不留意的时候，入侵我脑海。原以为，眼泪已流干，有时候，不知不觉，发现脸颊是湿的。bb, 我该怎么办？

I don't know why, I always missed you the most after weekend. Yesterday, whenever there is a chance, bb's face will appear in my mind. Missed the daily good morning text from you. Missed the feeling of going to bed, looking forward to receiving bb's text in the morning. Missing the occasional morning surprised from you. I know, if I were to plead, bb will give in to me, wishing me good morning everyday. I also know, if we were to continue, we will sink deeper into this.

Last night, woken up by the midnight heavy rain. A thought occured to me just before I fallen asleep is, life is short, I wish I can let go of everything, morals, values, & pursue the love & life with bb. I don't care how others will see me, knowing that as long as I have bb beside me, I will be able to overcome everything. What I want is to be able to have a future with bb that we will support each other, the home that bb will be there to build with me.

Tonight, attended a friend's wedding dinner. They played video of the photographs they took together, & I felt stabs of pain in my heart, & I have not experienced heartache in such occasion before. Then I realized the ache is caused by images of the photographs me & bb take together. On surface, I was happy for the newly wed, deep inside, I am crying for the future that we lost. Groom said this in his speech " I thought that I have succeeded when I can made my wife married me. Now, only I realized, the only way to show that I have succeeded is to provide a blissful family for my wife." . Throughout the whole dinner, looking at the newlywed, is like looking at us, looking so happy together, holding hand, taking our steps into another stage of our lives.

I have tried very hard, telling myself to let bb go. I thought that I was able to at times. Somehow, there are still unexpected occasion, thought of you still on my mind. I thought, my tears have dried. Sometimes, without realizing, my cheeks are wet. Bb, what should I do? 

女儿 Daughter

我想，我是疯了。两天前，往上班的路途上，突然间，一个我根本没心理准备的念头浮上我脑海里。如果今生有缘的话，我想为你生个女儿。一个让你当公主般呵护的女儿。然后看着你教她哥哥们怎么爱护她，保护她，看着她长大。教她哥哥们怎么呵护女人，就像你怎么呵护我一样。


想到这里，脸上是带着幸福的微笑，掺杂一点点的悲伤。因为现在看来，是几乎不可能的事。我不知你不肯离开她的原因，我无权去逼你。我只知离婚后与和她复合前的你是过着行尸走肉的日子。但复合后的你并不快乐，你几乎是以报复态度对待她。否者我俩根本没相识的机会。

我每次想到我们，就想问老天爷，为何让你我相识，让我俩相爱，然后却如此命运弄人，让我们无法在一起。经历过如此刻苦铭心的爱情并不可笑。我再也没信心再爱。有时候， 想想我自己，可倒也不明白。如何会如此深爱着一个只见过一次面的男人。可能是你的用心， 深深感动了我。 你的用情， 让我了解到原来爱情可以是这样。你的所作所为，除了隐瞒关于她以外，都是在呵护我，创造了一个如论我在外怎么打拼，怎么累，我可以让我的心栖息的地方。为这一点，我谢谢你。

你说来生我们才来再续这份缘。那么我想求求老天爷，来生让你来找我，续这份缘吧！

I think, I have gone crazy. Two days back, on my way to work, suddenly, an unexpected thought occur to me. If there is a chance, if we were fated, I would like to bear you a daughter. A daughter whom you will treat her like a princess. Watching you teach her brothers to look out for her, to protect her, watching out for her every step of her growing up years. Teach her brothers how to care for their women, just like how their father cares for me. 

This thought, brought a feeling of bliss, plus a little bit of sadness. Because, it's an impossible thing to happen. I don't know the reason you won't leave her, I have no right to force it out of you. All I know is that the period of time after your divorce & before you gotten back together was the lowest point of your life. But you weren't happy when you got back, you were living a life of revenge, else we wouldn't even have a chance to get to know each other. 

Everytime I thought about us, I can't help but to ask God, why let us meet, fell in love with each other, yet we can't be together. It's no joke to experience such profound love, cos I no longer have the confidence to love again. Sometimes, I too find it somewhat ridiculous, to fall in love with a man that I only met once. It's your thoughts, touched me deeply. Your feelings showed me how love can be. Your actions, except that you left out her existence, is always to care for me. You created an environment that no matter how tired, how battered I am, there is a home that my heart can go to. For that, I thank you. 

You said that if there is a chance in next life, you wouldn't disappoint me. So I wish to God, that you will look for me the next life, to be what we couldn't be in this life.

分手后三个月又十四天 3 months & 14 days after we broke up

分手后的三个月又十四天，又想起了你，眼泪不听话又滚下了脸颊。很想发给你一个简讯，要求最后一次见面，然后依偎在你的胸膛，把那些委屈，痛楚全都哭出来。让你揽着我，吻着我额头，告诉我＂bb，别哭了。＂。 唯一的顾虑是我不肯定那会是我要求见面的最后一次。我怕那次之后我会要求再见面，而你会依我。

就在上个周末，去了朋友家的游泳池， 看见了一对对的伴侣，带着他们的孩子在水中嬉戏。想到了你，想到了我们可能有的孩子，想到了我们可能有的家庭，想到那些可能的快乐时光，心就痛，眼泪就在眼眶打滚。因为在泳池里，我也分不清哪些是泪水，哪些是泳池的水。侥幸的是，你也有幻想过我们可能的未来， 我们可能的家庭，我们可能的孩子。因为你告诉我， 假若我们有我们的爱情结晶，他\她将是我的宝贝。bb, 你与孩子都会是我的宝贝。

bb, 无论我多么努力， 我还是无法放下你。你说，多希望你可以是个浑蛋，把我留在你身边。我又怎能允许你这么做呢？我若让你这样做，只会为你增添更多的烦恼，让你的身心更疲累，我会心疼我的bb。因为我要的未来，是与你有个家，每天可以在家等你回来的家，你每天心里挂念的家，为了我们的家到外打拼的家。因为不知不觉中，你已在我心中建立一个家，住了进去。

有时候，多希望我可以恨你。可每当想起你，心里浮现的还是你那温情的眼神，对你还是满满的爱意。认识我的人， 都知我不是一个拖泥带水的人。那夺走我贞操的前男友，我说放下，果真一个月就放下了。我人生的宗旨是，只要是已婚的男人，避！偏偏，心中放不下，至今还是你。

bb, 你可知道，你是我的定心丸。每当想到往后的日子没有你，我心里就慌。我之所以开始了这个部落格，是希望我每当思念你的时候，可以把我的思念，一一化为文字，透过这个部落格，抒于此。

3 months & 14 days after we broke up, thought of you again, that gotten my tears to flow again. Wanted to send you a message, asking for one last meet up, then I will lean in your embrace, crying out all my grievances, all the hurt. Letting you hug me, kissing me at  my forehead & telling me "hush, bb, it's okay now.". The only thing which stopped me was that I wasn't sure it was the last time that I want to see you. I am afraid that I will make more such request to meet bb, & bb will give in to me.

Last weekend, went my friend's place for a swim. Saw families with kids, playing in the pool. Thought of you, thought of the kids we might have, thought of the family we might have, thought of all those great time we might have, heart started to ache, tears started to flow. Because I was in the pool, I couldn't differentiate which are my tears & which are waters. What I was glad for was, bb has also thought about our future, the family & the kids that we might have, because bb told me that, if we were to have our kid, he/she will be my precious forever. Bb, the child & you both going to be my precious.

Bb, no matter how hard I tried, I just don't seem to be able to let you go. Bb said, you hope that you can be a bastard & keep me with you. How can I ever allow you to do so? By letting you do such, I am just going to increase the burden that bb already has, making bb more tired physically & emotionally, & I will be heart pain seeing bb so. The future that I want with bb, is to have a family with bb, a home where bb will come back to every night, a home that you constantly think about, a home that you will go out there to conquer for. Because unknowingly, bb has built a home in my heart & resides there.

Sometimes, I wish that I can hate you. Whenever I think of you, it's still bb's face that's full of love that showed up, I am still in love with you. My friends who know me, know that I am a decisive person. That ex whom I given my first night to, when I said let go, within a month I had let him go. My principal in life is, never to touch a married man.. But, somehow somewhat, till date, bb still occupy a special space in my heart.

Bb, do you know that you are the pillar in my life. Whenever I thought about the future without you, I will panic. The reason that I started this blog, is so that whenever I missed you, I can turn it into words & channel it through this blog.